


Shades of Gold

by EmotionsofInk



Category: League of Legends RPF
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Feels, Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, MSI 2019, Panic Attacks, Team Bonding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-21
Updated: 2019-06-23
Packaged: 2020-01-23 04:38:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 14,946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18542431
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EmotionsofInk/pseuds/EmotionsofInk
Summary: This was his mountain to climb and he planned on struggling alone.His team had other ideas.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to a new fic that I wanted to get the short introduction (like super short XD) up before MSI started. Just a little team-bonding and hurt/comfort fic regarding TL and the international stage. :)

_Harsh Golden Lights, Coldness in your heart  
Nothing would tear you apart, like seeing yourself through another’s eyes_

He couldn’t breathe. It was something that he had been expecting but had been hoping wouldn’t happen this time. He thought, that perhaps with those around him this time that it wouldn’t happen, that he would be okay. Apparently not, this was his curse, this was his breaking point – his unmovable object, his unclimbable mountain.

He couldn’t breathe and if he didn’t calm down anytime soon, he was going to collapse. His teammates would walk in and find him unconscious and then he would be even more of a bother. He didn’t want to be a bother, and the panic increased. His hands began to shake and his mouth felt dry, his face clammy, his throat seemed to close up and refused to work properly.

Back pressed tightly against the wall, shaking hands in his hair he tried his best to push down the panic – to breath again, to be human again. No, he couldn’t disappoint them, he couldn’t fall short. No. not to the, not to this team. He wasn’t going to drag them down with him. He wouldn’t be weak and he couldn’t let them see him be weak.

Breathe, he had to remember, how to breathe. He let the panic attack increase, encase him as he tried, to just get it over and done with. It crashed through him with a burning flame that left him crumbled, shaking and crying.

He didn’t know how long he had been sitting here, but it felt like forever. It felt like sinking endlessly into a pit of panic and pain. He sat in it alone letting it wash over him and by the time his team was back, by the time he was around people the panic was gone, the pain had disappeared.

This was his mountain, his pain, his hatred – he would not drag them down with him.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading - I hope you like this second part :)  
> This may seem like it happened it really quickly - but I wanted this to be about the aftermath of everyone finding out and helping him through it.

__

_The walls you put up are slowly breaking down, the past is rearing its ugly head.  
And you wish that everything you touched could turn to Gold._

Day one, he had only managed to get to day one and suddenly he was useless, suddenly it had hit him harder than he had thought it ever could, or would. His hands were actually shaking on the keyboard, his headset had fallen half off his head to sit around his neck. Peter’s eyes glanced across the grey-hued screen in front of him and let out a deep sigh, leaning back in his chair and looking to his left and right.

Maybe this was why he had crashed and burned so quickly this time around, because of who he was with? Because now he sat side by side with a champion, now beside him sat someone who just seemed to have some kind of magical international buff that let him get out of the groups anytime he wanted. And then there was him, then it came to him – the failure the one that let everyone down.

Peter suddenly found that he couldn’t breath – he couldn’t breath and nothing was okay.

“That… was a little boosted.”

Peter winced at the words, normally they would just make him laugh and he would brush it off, normally they would as a team just laugh about it. And he did know, deep, deep down that there was no malice in the words; there never had been, there never would be – but in this moment – it destroyed him.

He pushed himself away from the desk, running his hands across his face and shivering slightly, letting out a small whimper as he did so. In that small moment he felt like he had pushed himself out of everything that was happening. He blocked them all out, not really hearing their words or sensing their concern.

He struggled to breath and then, shaking, managed to get to his feet and stumble away from the computer. This couldn’t be happening; he couldn’t let this happen. Peter didn’t know if he muttered his apology out loud or not but it screamed in his head, crashing through his subconscious, the words echoed around him and he stumbled out of the room. He had to get out, he had to somehow stop the pressure on his chest.

They watched him – stumble out of the room, concern, worried – almost panicked at the sight of the normal strong and sure AD looking like he was about to collapse at any moment. The air become tense and suddenly the scrim they were playing was long forgotten as the team suddenly found themselves wanting to move, wanting to run; wanting to protect.

Almost as if hearing each other’s thoughts and feelings they moved together, getting to their feet and moving out of the room. The games they were playing were forgotten, the whole idea of practising and continuing without Peter was not something that they wanted to do. As a team they moved further down the hallway, wondering where he would go and how fast it was all happening. It was silent for a long while, as they all struggled with their thoughts.

“Do you think it’s something I said?”

Nicolaj shook his head at this, running his hands through his hair. “No, Core, I think this might be something that has been annoying him for a long time.” Nicolaj turned to look at Jake, narrowing his eyes at the jungler, “Was he like this last year – was there anything that set him off?”

“Not that I noticed, but now I’m just beginning to think I’m a horrible friend and I didn’t notice anything.” Jake visibly looked ruined; his face held no happiness that it did just moments ago when he had carried them to a win in a tough scrim. Now it was taunt and dark, a feeling of uncertainty at what he now knew, and what he had missed for so long. “I just hope… that he’ll trust us, well mainly me – for being blind after all this time.”

He couldn’t keep it out of his mind, the image of the look that his friend had given him, the teary eyes, the pale face. Jake had never seen Peter look so small and unsure of himself – last year with the horrors that had happened to his family he had been shattered but strong. Here, he looked more like he was blaming the whole world on himself, like he was crumbling to the ground with the weight of it.

“I don’t think we should be quick to blame or put anything else on each other.” Nicolaj shook his head, sighing deeply at the thought. “I have a feeling there will be enough of that already without us adding anything to the mix – he looked, I mean I don’t want to presume anything but he looked…”

“How you used to look.” Impact cut his friend off giving him a reassuring smile. “Before you eventually found your footing… well, until someone forced you to find it.”

He nodded, smiling softly, “Yeah – I just hope with Peter it’s a little more… painless and… not as public.” Nicolaj pulled a face at this, not wanting to remember that rough time in his own career. “Anyway, maybe we should just… be there, in any way that we can.” He shook his head at this, muttering incoherent sentences to himself as he walked away, down the hallway in hopes of finding his missing and obviously distraught team mate. He didn’t really know what he was going to do when he found Peter, he just hoped something would come to him when he did.

“We will help – as a team and…” Impact’s voice was cut off by the soft sounds of someone yelling in pain. The sound echoed around the hallway and they all glanced at each other, shock showing on their faces. Together they quickened their pace and moved towards where they had heard the sound.

Opening the door, they quickly ran in – only to freeze on the spot at the sight in front of them. Peter was pressed tightly up against the wall, seeming to talk to himself, shaking as tears streamed down the face. From first glance it looked like he was having a full-blown panic attack, like he didn’t know where he was – or who was with him.

Nicolaj moved very slowly over to him, not wanting to startle him in his heightened state of shock. Sitting down beside him, the others staying back – not wanting to crowd him as he seemed to come out of the panic attack. He barley even registered that someone was kneeling down beside him, jumping slightly as he placed a hand on top of him.

“Hey, hey easy it’s just me… you’re okay, we’re alright.”

Peter’s eyes darted back and forth, almost as if looking for a ghost or shade that no one else could see. Swallowing his words, he was about to say he just stayed stiff, his muscles fully tense as he breathed sporadically. He forced the words out however, not wanting to disappoint those in front of him, “I… I’m sorry, I… I’m sorry please forgive me I.”

The painful apologize shocked him, and the collective sharp intake of breath from the rest of the team told him that no one else was expecting such a thing. He hadn’t had much experience with this kind of thing, to be honest – it was normally him having the mental break downs and ending up a wreck in the arms of a friend. It was weird for him to think, that here he had to be the strong one.

“Wait you don’t have to.”

“I was supposed to do this alone, I was supposed to be strong, none of you deserve to have to deal with this, this is me and I, I can’t – this is my curse, my pain and I… I just… I…” The words spilled out quickly, almost as if he couldn’t stop the words, as if saying them quickly made the pain in them better. “I can’t drag you down with me, I won’t – I refuse to and I…”

Tears were streaming down his face as he tried to move away, refusing the support of his team-mate. But the grip on his shoulder tightened and almost pulled him back, towards comfort, towards the help and the kindness that he didn’t think he deserved.

“No, no, no… no I don’t I can’t – no.”

“Peter.”

At the sound of his name he caved, completely crumbling, collapsing into his arms and letting him wrap him up tightly in a hug. Pulling him as close as possible. He gripped him tightly, his shirt like a lifeline, his tears soaking the fabric. His sobs echoed around the room, his cries and apologizes mixing with the tears.

Nicolaj gripped him as tightly as possible, because it was the only thing that he could do.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone for reading and commenting. :) Just a quick update before we head into play-ins :D

_Breathe in, Breath out, I’m right beside you my dear  
And together we watch the sunrise paint the sky with flecks of Gold._

The room was silent bar the soft sounds of hiccuping sobs coming from Peter, his breath hitching as he tried to regain some kind of composure. No one dared to say anything in the silence as they waited for Peter to say the first words – no one wanted to rush him, or push him into anything that he wasn’t ready for.

Nicolaj would hold onto him for as long as he needed him to, making sure to keep his grip only to the same as Peter’s own. When he felt it loosening, so did he – and soon he found himself pulling out of the hug entirely, holding onto Peter’s shoulders and as he shook slightly, slowly raising his eyes to look at the midlaner.

Peter’s eyes were bright red from the crying and held no light to them. “I… thanks I needed that.”

“Anytime.” 

There was a small silence between the two of them before Peter spoke again, breathing out deeply and pulling away slightly, wrapping his arms around himself as he did so. “So…. Only God knows what you think of me now.”

“I think… you’re human, just like the rest of us.”

“Ha – is that the trying to say the right thing answer.” Peter’s voice was slightly sarcastic as he shivered, his eyes moving from Nicolaj to the rest of the team that were watching. “Ah fuck… this was not, you were not supposed to…”

“To what – know you were going through this? That’s not something that you should have to go through alone.”

“And you would know?”

“Yeah actually, I would know.”

Peter breathed out deeply at this, reeling slightly at the quick comment. “I – this is my own stupid insecurities… my problems. I shouldn’t be dragging you all down with me, not like this.” He shook his head, muttering something incomprehensible under his breath before adding softly. “This is my mountain.”

“Wrong, we are a team – this is our mountain.”

He looked up at this, the comment coming from Jake, who was slowly making his way over to him, “Jake, no I…”

“No buts,” He shook his head, moving to sit down beside Nicolaj, making sure to make eye contact with Peter as he talked to him. “Not this time, not this year.” Jake slowly moved forward at this, before placing a hand on Peter’s knee. “I screwed up last year, I didn’t see that this was something that you went through. Not this time, let me be here for you – let us all be here for you.”

“I don’t… I don’t know if I know what that looks like… past you know, being a blubbering mess like this.” At this point he scrunched up his nose and indicated to Nicolaj. “Sorry about that – you know, the snot, and tears…. Your shirt is kind of ruined.”

“The condition of my shirt is the least of my worriers.” Nicolaj commented with a small eye roll, causing a hint of a smile to finally cross Peter’s face. The midlaner took this as a small victory, “Your condition, however – that’s what I think we should talk about.”

Peter’s face fell at this, “Do we have to?”

“Not right now – no, but eventually, slowly – when you’re ready.”

Peter scrunched up his nose again, “What if I don’t think I will ever be ready?”

“Well we will have to draw the line at that.” Core’s comment caused a small chuckle to come from Peter, as he shook his head, not really believing that this was even happening. “We can’t be wining tournaments with you like this.”

“Ha – winning, that’s…. that is a laugh, especially with me here.”

“Peter…”

“I know, I know it’s stupid, I’m stupid….”

“No, if you can’t trust yourself – then trust us, we have you.”

“I carry you to a national title, you get me out of groups – it was something like that, right?”

“Yeah,” Nicolaj grinned, moving forward and slinging an arm around the now slightly relaxed Peter, “Something like that. But for now – we can just stay here, like this – if you want?”

He nodded, breathing heavily and swallowing as the tears returned to his eyes. “Yeah I would like that.” Peter shifted slightly on the ground, moving to be closer to the midlaner, and putting his head on Nicolaj’s shoulder, who pulled him slightly closer with his arm.

Jake sat on the other side of Peter, happily taking the hand that Peter held out to him. Core and Impact made their way over as well, the five of them sitting side by side as a team against the wall.

“Take as much time as you need, we’re not going anywhere.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for everyone for reading and commenting :D  
> MSI is really making me sad so far T-T, so I just write this, and pretend everything else isn't happening haha.

_As hours pass by and turn into days  
I stare at a Golden Sky and wish we could stay, forever this way._

Peter had asked them all not to make a big deal out of it, to not mention it, to not stare at him when he shook slightly. If he was really honest with himself, he wanted to just forget it all happened and return back to the dark hole he had created. But asking them to just forget was putting even more on his team and he felt couldn’t do that to them. He couldn’t even bear to burden them anymore. So, at first they continued in this weird kind of limbo, in which they knew and they never really left him alone in fear he will spiral downwards.

But they still kept their distances, they still respected the fact that he really didn’t want to admit any of this. Days went by, scrims were played, the confidence was still shown in interviews and slowly, hour by hour, their best of five drew closer and closer. An inkling dread came over, as he thought about the possibility of not even getting into groups in the first place let alone making it out of them.

The voice of that fear come out of nowhere two nights out from their match. The team were relaxing around the lounge, dinner spread out in front of them, no one was really doing anything or saying anything so Peter’s voice cut through the silence, echoing harshly and burning through the silence.

“So, how many people do you think don’t even think we can get into groups?” He laughed and added, “You know, sometimes I think I am one of them but then I’m insulating that all of you aren’t worth it and… I’d hate to think I would be that heavy…”

“Peter… I really don’t understand where this…. Hate for yourself is coming from.”

“Oh, it’s always been there – I am just…” He breathed out deeply and pulled up into himself, feet resting on the edge of the chair, his arms wrapped around himself. “I really thought this year would be different. I thought with who I had beside me I could just ignore it… the depression, the looming dread and…”

“Things like that just don’t go away, especially when you don’t tell anyone about it.” Core gave his laning partner a pointed look and added, “There is no one else I would rather stand beside at this tournament, you have helped me find the… fun and happiness in this game again, I missed it…”

“I wouldn’t call me running it down in groups fun to be honest.”

“Well there you go, in groups at least we got you back on that.” Jake offered Peter a small smile, “Come on Peter, let us in, just a little bit more.”

There was a small silence at this, but then the AD let out a deep breath and started talking.

“I… every time I think about playing internationally O start shaking, I can’t think straight, can’t breathe properly. Everyone expects me to fail, everyone’s just waiting for me to choke, how many more chances am I going to get – how many other people am I going to drag down. To ruin careers… friendships…. It’s a brick wall…” He unraveled himself, looking at his hands before burying his head in them. “It’s like there is something there, like I am mentally stunned, I can’t think – can’t move… and I hate it…. I hate myself for it.”

The words echoed through all of them, crushing each and every one, none of them had thought that it was this bad, that it went that deep. From Peter’s words it was no obvious, it had turned into a hatred of himself, rather than just the plays, the games, the mistakes. It had turned into a dangerous self-deprecation.

“You know Peter, sometimes I get frustrated and angry at mistakes we make too… but that is never to be translated to being angry and hateful to the person that made the mistake.” The toplaner looked pained for a moment, his mind whirling of moments that he, personally, could have contributed to this. “You know that, right?”

“I…. I know it, it’s just that I… I don’t think I believe it, not during times like this, we haven’t even played yet and already I can hear the anger, the words of doubt and I hate it… When I get like this, I honestly believe that I don’t’ deserve the happiness that winning will give me, that I don’t deserve anything.”

“That’s,” Nicolaj found himself stumbling slightly on his words, his mind went back to two years ago, when he had through the very same thing about himself – when he had been living with so much self-hated. His team had helped him down that long, painful road; now he had a chance to be part of that recovery and change for Peter. “That is not true, that is so far from the truth that…”

“Really?” Peter set a steady glance towards the midlaner, his eyes void of any real emotion. “Prove it.”

“Peter that is not fair.”

“No, he is right,” Nicolaj held the stare with Peter, wanting nothing more than to run over and wrap Peter in a hug. “Words are only words, they can’t stop anything with the mental that is going on, now without something to back them up – actions.”

Peter broke his eye contact with Nicolaj at this, wrapping himself up once again, “What would that look like I wonder, proving you don’t hate, acting on belief in someone.”

“I don’t know about planning things ahead but this, is a helpful step, I hope.” At his words, Core had moved from his spot on the floor to beside Peter, poking him slightly and prying his hands away frp, wrapping around himself. Moving in so that he could snuggle into Peter, sinking into a hug that Peter, without question, complied to giving. “Has anyone ever told you that you give the best hugs? It is one of the many things that make you awesome.”

“One of?”

“It’s a very long list,” Core muttered, closing his eyes. Letting the comfort envelop him. “Maybe one day I will write it all down.”

Peter just chuckled at this, a genuine smile crossing his features as he let out a deep, calming breathe. He could barley believe he had just thrown it all out there, right in the open. “It… is not, that I want to hate myself, Its just I don’t know how, how to stop you know?”

“Wanting to change is the first step, we’ve got you let us get through this – together.”

“You shouldn’t have to worry about me.”

“We’re not doing it because we should Peter, it’s because we want to.”

This simple, statement slapped Peter in the face, crashed into him like a truck. It was something so simple but something he hadn’t even clicked to. If they wanted, they could just walk away, if they wanted to they could leave him in his self-pity. But they were still here and Peter was slowly learning how much that meant to him.

**x-x-x**

They were out of play-ins and had made it cleanly through into groups. The idea that soon they would be playing the likes of IG, SKT and G2 made them both excited and nervous. It was time to see how they stacked up and even more so their mental as they dealt with the inevitable back-lash that was to come.

“Oh look, we got through to groups but…. We still suck because it wasn’t convincing enough.”

Nicolaj scoffed at this, almost wanting to laugh at the look of confusion on Core’s face. “It is the same old story, they don’t expect us to win against the bigger teams, so trash us when we lose to them and then, when we win against so called lesser teams, it doesn’t matter because we’re expected to win.”

“Is that… is that how it actually is?”

“It’s the feeling I’ve always gotten, even from worlds yeah.”

“Oh, I remember that,” Jake suddenly appeared beside them, “When C9 completely obliterated play-ins everyone was all, oh it doesn’t mean anything – they wont get out of groups, and then when you go out – it want on they best RNG and Samsung, it was that they threw the games…”

“And then we three, to zero quarter finals and everyone is, all oh they were the weakest Korean team, oh it wouldn’t have happened if they played anyone else, oh they still suck.”

Jake and Nicolaj continued to banter back and forth, laughing and smiling as they did so. Core however just looked confused, “Is that… is that really how the NA fans think?”

“Well, not all of them, to be fair but they are the ones that are the loudest voices. They you see the most on social media…” It was Peter that answered, coming up to join his teammates, Impact trailing behind him. “It makes going on social media after games a very dangerous experience.”

“It’s stupid,” Core huffed, “If you take their logic into account, like, all of IG games aren’t good, because they are expected to win everything – right?”

“Ah you see, but they can do no wrong – so when they trash us it’s because they are amazing, etc, etc…”

Core shook his head, muttering something under his breath in Korean. The team continued to joke and play around this for a moment, as they made their way into their team room, eager to watch the opening match of G2 and SKT.

As Peter watched the game, he began to feel nervous, his hands began sweating, his head swimming – the panic slowly began to set in, the attack only moments from hitting him full force until someone suddenly took his hand, calming him immediately.

Peter blinked and looked up to see Nicolaj, smiling at him, “We’ve got this – I believe in you.”

The panic dies down, melted slightly at these words, Peter nodded and returned his attention back to the game, he only let go of Nicolaj’s hand hours later – seconds before they walked, together on a team, onto the MSI main stage.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SO HAPPY THE BOYS MADE IT. T_T  
> This chapter is kind of focused on on the whole getting out of groups, next will be on the semi finals.  
> Hoping for the boys to go all the way. <3

_They say Gold is held by those that come in first,  
But we say Gold is for anyone, that’s willing to search for it._

Groups so far had been a rollercoaster of emotions. Peter didn’t know if he could keep up, from the two to zero day to the slump of losing four in a row, his could barley take it. This panic was ready to burst. Even after the next day, winning one of their games, he still felt like he was about to destroy himself.

Sitting at three wins was not the place they wanted to be in going to into the final day. Three wins means a tie-breaker, and Peter’s luck with tie-breakers was not something he wanted to think about. The night before the final days of groups, Peter couldn’t sleep, he couldn’t do anything but panic. All of the negativity crashing through him and bleeding out into his emotions, to his actions.

They all knew that something was wrong when Peter refused to move, when they were about to head to bed, they all knew something was wrong when he initially didn’t respond to any of their comments or questions.

“Peter!” He jumped at the yell of his name from Impact, who was looking at him with concern. “I would assume you have not heard anything we’ve been saying?”

“Sorry, I’m sorry…” Peter had been doing a lot of apologizing recently, every time he did, the team readied themselves for the crashing of hate that was to come. “I was just…. Zooning out, thinking about tomorrow…. About losing tie-breakers and completely ruining every chance we’ve got…”

“Oh, I don’t know, I think we have a good chance of not having to go to a tie-breaker.”

“Ha, as if we have any chance of winning those matches tomorrow.”

“Well, speak for yourself.” Nicolaj offered him a small grin, “I have a score to settle with a certain EU midlaner. I mean, I would really, really love to just silence all of those fans…”

“They have a point though? Don’t they, I always fall short.”

“Not I, we…” Jake cut in, “The team needs to hold itself accountable Peter, every member is just to blame as each other – are we not?” He moved his hands over himself and then to Impact who nodded. “We were there last year too, we stuffed up too, and hey, we are all here this year.”

“Yeah well none of you are to blame for this.”

“Why not, we have all contributed.”

“You all…. I’m the one with screaming voices in my head, I am the one that can barley hear comms over the sound of my own frantic breathing. I… it’s me all…” The outburst was stopped as suddenly, Core had grabbed Peter’s shoulders, steadying him and grounding him in the moment. “I don’t see any of you… throwing games, making excuses, fucking crying by yourself wishing you could be replaced by someone, anyone… Anyone would do better than me.”

“Wrong, you are the only one that can do this.”

“We have won three games, three… what makes you think we can actually do this?”

“Because,” Nicolaj said with determination, eye’s glinting with light. “I want to see it, how happy it will make you, when we prove everyone wrong. I want to see you smile as we take that win that gets us through groups.” Nicolaj grinned, giving Peter a small nudge as he added. “Plus, I really, really want to clap Caps – you know, a little revenge.”

“Don’t worry, we won’t be putting you on Lissandra, not quite a good match up for you.”

“Oi!” Nicolaj glared at Impact, throwing a cushion that was within his reach at the toplaner. “That was just uncalled for, true yes, but very uncalled for.”

Peter chuckled at this, falling slightly forward, into Core’s arms, who still had his hands on his shoulder. “I wish, I wasih I had more times like this. I don’t mean the me being a complete downer, but like – the whole just… being together. I didn’t realize how much I really needed it.”

“Helps when you let us in a little yeah?”

“Yeah, I guess so, just… I hope we don’t lose this when we go back and things kind of go back to normal and the panic isn’t there. I just, hope we stay…”

“Actual friends? And not just a bunch of people playing video games together.”

Peter chuckled at this, “Yeah, actual nothing to hide, nothing to lose – friends.”

Core looked slightly confused at this, “I kind of thought… we were that already, I very much enjoy spending time with you all.”

“As do I and you know what, I love proving people wrong as well – so let’s get out of this group, without a tie-breaker.”

“You think the fans will finally be happy if we did that?”

“Ha, the fans will never be happy.”

Peter didn’t know how they did it but just by being around, just by their general banter and presence his team calmed him in a way that he didn’t expect. He wasn’t quite sure how to explain in, but he loved them for it, he cherished it. It melted away all the negative emotions, it stopped the bleeding out of his pain, and it just let him be and relax.

Falling asleep in Core’s arms probably wasn’t the best idea in retrospect, his neck had a pretty painful twinge to it in the morning but at the time, it was the best possible thing. He felt safe, he felt wanted and cared for and that was something he never thought he could feel in this part of his life. 

Together they stared down the barrel of the final days of groups, together they believed they could get out – they wouldn’t be going home anytime soon.

**x-x-x**

“Okay, can we actually first blood mid-lane.”

Nicolaj’s annoyed voice filtered through the comms and the whole team chuckled at the sight of the G2 midlaner taunting his lane opponent.

“What, no response?”

“I will not sink to this level; not until it has been earned.”

“I will make sure to path mid, we’ve got this.”

Nicolaj muttered something under his breath in Danish at this as the game started.

Laser focused on the game, determined to change their luck around. First blood in mid changed into mid control, lead to solo kills under the turret, to Nicolaj and Jake moving around the map, asserting control. And as the nexus exploded and the Victory screen crashed across their vision Peter could barely believe it.

He couldn’t breathe, but for once it wasn’t out of pain – it was out of sheer joy.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The boys did so well this MSI, even though they fell in the end, they got further than anyone expected and that is awesome. This chapter was supposed to be focused on the feelings of getting to the semi's but I got a little carried away on something else. So I hope you like this short ANGSTY interlude.
> 
> Chapter Warning: Mentions/Attempts of self harm.

_The closer we get to holding the Gold, there is not joy  
Rather you realize some shades are dark and cold._

Blood seeped down from the split in his skin, the colour flowing like rivets of a river down his arm, he stared at it, eyes wide, almost transfixed by the colours. The blood almost looked golden, as the morning sunlight streamed through the window, bouncing off the mirror onto him.

The mirror that was cracked and splintered, small shards falling from it every now and then. One of those small shards he held tightly in his hands gripping it as if it was a lifeline, gripping it so tightly it cut into the skin of his palm. He couldn’t feel the pain however, it was all numb, like he wasn’t even here – like nothing was real.

He tore his eyes away from the glistening blood to the mirror, his reflection shattered and splintered in the broken pieces. The whole room shifted and moved to his heart beat as he dropped the shard onto his lap, to run a hand over his face – his skin seemed to peel and fall away at his touch – replaced with ash and breaking store.

The room ‘thumped’ again, reality itself twisting and moving in time with his heart beat. The sun disappeared and in the growing gloom the blood glinted brighter and bright so that soon all he could see was the red rivets in the darkness. 

‘Thump’. Pain. ‘Thump’. Failure. ‘Thump’. Defeat. ‘Thump’.

‘Thump’.

‘Thump’.

“Peter!”

His eyes snapped open, the sun was back, gold light streaming through the mirror was no longer cracked and splintered. Showing the reflection of his pale, clammy face. The tear in his arms were no more, the blood no longer a river. A blade, however, was clutched in his hand – cutting into the fingertips that were wrapped around the metal.

It wasn’t just his hand however, in a split second he remembers the voice that had pulled him out of his mind, the voice that called out to him again.

“Peter, look at me.” He looked up, to the terrified eyes of his team-mate. “Let it go.”

And they both knew that if it was just Peter. If the other hand wasn’t there, he would need more convincing. But he was hurting someone else, he was causing someone else to bleed and he wasn’t having that. Peter immediately let go of the blade, breathing deeply at the sting of the metal leaving his skin. Immediately his team-mate handed the blade over to someone else, who rushed it out of the room with it, wanting to get it as far away from Peter as possible.

Peter’s eyes returned to the blood, not on his own hands but his friends. “I… I hurt you.”

“You didn’t Peter, I choose to do that.”

“But if I hadn’t been… been thinking of it, then you wouldn’t have been hurt.”

“Thinking of what, Peter?”

He moved his eyes once again back up, tears were glinting in Jake’s eyes and Peter wanted to scream. Last year he had gone through it alone, he had hit, he had even pushed him away – last year he had done everything he could so his friends wouldn’t get caught up in the mess. That was last year, this year, was a mess, this year he had failed.

“I’m such a fucking mess.” Peter’s voice cracked as he said these words, tears streaming down his face. “I’m so fucking stupid and I’m sorry, so sorry, I don’t deserve this, I don’t deserve any of you.”

“Yes you do,” Jake relied, pulling Peter in for a tight hug, “Yes you do.”

**x-x-x**

“I actually can’t believe we are in Taipei; this is insane.”

“Oh, ye of little faith. I told you I’d get you here,” Nicolaj grinned, pulling Peter in for a side hug. “Although it was very much an extreme team effort. We all got here.”

“And now we immediately go home right, because IG and all that.”

“Peter, way to drag down the mood, I believe in us.”

“Yeah, yeah, well better get some rest… unlike some people.” He glared at his support at this, “I can’t actually sleep on planes.” Peter untangled himself from Nicolaj’s hug and moved into one of the rooms. This hotel wasn’t as open as the others there were only three rooms in this one and the team would share two of them, while management had the other.

“Do you really think we can do this; beat IG I mean?”

“I think we can do anything as long as we play our game, play to our strengths. I believe in us.”

“I do too, even if we lose, I want to go down fighting, hardly anyone expects us to even get one game. I want to prove them all wrong.” Nicolaj’s commented with determination in his eyes – they fell to the door that Peter had gone through. “We belong here, I just wish we could somehow convince him that.”

“Little steps,” Impact commented, “Little steps he knows he have his back now, that’s all that matters.”

They stayed up a little longer at this, excited at the upcoming semi-final, nervous about what it could mean for their chances of going through. Eventually they broke off into the rooms wanting to catch up on the sleep they had missed due to their early flight.

It was Core’s yell that caught their attention, the support screaming as soon as he entered the room he and Jake were sharing with Peter, they all ran in, horrified at the sight in front of them.

Peter, immobile on the bed, blade tight in his hands, eyes clouded over, mouth moving but nothing coming out.

“What do I do, what do I do – I don’t think he’s even listening to me…” Core’s words were drowned out by a shriek as he watched in horror as the blade moved in Peter’s hands as if kind of weird flicking motion towards his over wrist.

Jake surged forward, grasping the blade around his hand, flinching as the metal dug in, determined to not let go. He watched as tears began to pour down Peter’s face, his heart cracked, shattered – he was still hiding so much from then, but he needed to snap him out of it.

“Peter…. Peter!”

In a flash of activity, Peter was apologizing to him, the blade had been taken away from the room, Peter was crying in his hug with him, his hands gripping tightly. “It’s okay, it’s okay – I’ve got you you’re alright. I’ve got you.”

“Jake…” Nicolaj voice sounded strange, the midlaner had rushed out of the room at the very sight of the blade, but had returned now, with what looked like a first aid kit. “You don’t want them to get infected or anything.”

Jake nodded in understanding at this, pulling out of the hug slightly as Nicolaj and the others came close. “Come on Peter, let’s gets those cuts all cleaned up, huh?”

“You… you first.”

“Peter?”

“No! I hurt you…. so you, you first…. Please?”

Jake sighed, knowing that there as no arguing with him when he got like this. “Okay, me first.”

Peter pulled away from him at this, moving away from the front of the bed so that Nicolaj could move in to help Jake clean and cover the wounds. Impact also moved in, holding a bowl of hot water and a cloth. Peter looked on with a heavy heart, he had caused his, his pain, his weakness, had caused him.

“Hey there, no negative thoughts, you.” His uninjured hand was suddenly taken by another, and when Peter looked up, Core smiled sadly at him. “I’m so, SO happy I walked into the room when I did. I don’t even want to imagine what would have happened if I…”

“I… I imagined it, in my head, in my panic, there was this blood, that just…. Flowed, and a shattered mirror and it was so, so dark, all I could see was read… and I was falling to pieces and I… It was like red paint, dripping down a black canvas it…” Peter shivered, “It was almost beautiful.”

“You being alive and not harmed, is more beautiful.” Core’s reply was immediate and the complete sincerity in it floored Peter so much that his breath caught in his throat for a moment. Core’s words continued to ring through his head as he pulled over to Nicolaj and Impact, the small cuts in his hands being cleaned and wrapped.

“You do realize,” Nicolaj muttered as he put the finishing touches on the bandages, “that this means we are never EVER leaving you alone again.”

“Nicolaj it was just… I don’t know what it was… it was kind of just… there, but you don’t need to…”

“No… how… how fucking dare you.” There was an anger to the midlaner voice that none of them had heard before, it was cold and Peter found himself flinching slightly. “I thought we were friends, I thought we were family… you come to your family when you’re feeling like this, you trust them with this kind of shit in your life. You don’t…. you don’t just shut them out and then…. Then have them have to think about what could have happened…”

“I… I’m sorry, I don’t know where it came from, or why… I was happy, so happy that we had made it here. But then the voices came back and I just couldn’t… they kept saying that everything and everyone would be better off, that I was so useless and that I… I don’t know why I believed them, but I did.”

Peter looked up at Nicolaj at this to see even though there was still anger in his eyes there was also pain, also worry and fear and regret. “Why, why didn’t you come and tell us that you were feeling this… why didn’t you call out for help… why, why don’t you trust us?”

“I don’t…. I wasn’t strong enough to admit those were my feelings, I didn’t want to drag you all through this, to admit I was that pathetic, that weak…”

“It is not pathetic, it’s not weakness.” Nicolaj wiped the tears that were streaming down his face away and wrapped Peter up in a tight hug, pressing himself as close to the ADC as possible. “I’m sorry for getting angry at you… I just can’t…. I wouldn’t be able to stand if.” His faltered slightly with his words before added, “I don’t want to lose someone I love like that again.”

And those words, more than anything struck a chord in Peter, something cracked. He vowed to himself, he promised there and then that he would never think about it ever again. And he prayed, to whoever was listening, that he wold have the strength to not break that promise.

**x-x-x**

The cuts weren’t too deep and over the next few days they healed enough that Peter could move his hand and fingers without pulling at the scars, causing them to bleed. Jake’s had been a little deeper and every time Peter tried to apologize, he would just get a death glare and the subject would be dropped. Jake’s scars still irritated him slightly on game day, they still had small strip bandages over them, keeping the skin in place. Jake was just thankful they were on his mouse hand, which he would wouldn’t be moving and aggravating as much.

“You know you are not off the hook right; we’re talking about this – and getting you any help, you need once we have a little break and get back home.”

Peter knew it was unavoidable but hearing Jake actually voice it caused panic to well up in him. It made him want to run in the opposite direction, but he had put them through enough already – it was something, he was beginning to feel, that he owed his team. “Yeah, I know… I don’t like it but I know.”

Jake nodded and the two of them turned back to the stage together, the roar of the crowd echoing through their bones. This was their defining moment, this was their chance to take down the world champions, to prove the world that this, was where they belonged.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for your comments and for reading, and to think this was originally going to be just a small two-shot, haha XD

_Bronze, Silver and Gold – in todays world they are all the same  
But this is something almost magical about the way you shine._

“Holly Crap.”

“Yes, that is one way to put it.”

“I mean, like, wow.”

The rest of the team chuckled at Peter’s shook, he had has just returned from his interview on stage and seemed to still have no actual realization of what has just happened. He was stunned, granted the whole team found themselves in some kind of disbelief. No one had believed they could do this, no one had given them a sliver of a chance, yet hear they stood – finalist.

“Does anyone else feel, like, mentally tried, drained?”

“Yup,” Core answered the junglers question. “Count me in that column, “that was…. Worlds doesn’t ever come close to the stress that series gave me.”

“Well, doing worlds you had a competent…”

“Ah!” Core cut off Peter’s comment with a hit on his shoulder and a glare. “None of that, nope, nothing but positive vibes.”

“Yeah, yeah thanks for the carry everyone.”

“It was a team effort.”

“Oh, says the guy who completely controlled the map.”

“We all carried different games, how about that?”

Peter still seemed to want to argue this point, but then his words were drowned out as they were suddenly caught up in the excitement around them. Fans, players and casters alike coming out to congratulate them. 

“Ah, what do we do now – are we needed for anything else?”

“I think there is one more interview, yeah.”

“Can someone else do it this time, I am still… shaking, like how did we… how even…”

The group chuckled as Peter continued to be stunned and confused, and the rest of the night was a blur of happiness and laughter.

**x-x-x**

“Hey, how are you holding up?” Nicolaj posed the question to him back at the hotel, handing over his glass as he did so. “You’ve been really quite ever since we left the arena.”

Peter sighed at this, looking around the lounge area at his team as they all relaxed with snacks and drink. “I think it’s still sinking in and every time… every time I want to get happy about it – that little voice comes back to try to stop me.”

“You got through groups Peter; you beat damn world champions. That little voice, that curse, holds no power over you anymore. And if it tries you come to us, no matter the circumstance.” 

“I will from now on, I promise… I don’t want to put any of you in that situation again.” Peter shook his head, thinking feeling in the silence. “Nicolaj…. I don’t want to pay but something’s been bothering me.”

“Oh?”

“What you said, when you were with me the other day, about losing someone else…” Peter shuffled slightly on the couch, his voice cracking slightly. “Someone you cared about hurt themselves like that?”

There was a small silence before Nicolaj answered. “Yeah…. Yeah, my best friend back in Denmark… through all of school, she was going through really bad depression about her identity and she didn’t tell anyone, she hid it behind smiles…” He shivered swirling his drink around in the glass. “She killed herself and I… I was the one that found her. It was one of the deciding factors of moving here actually, to many places, too many things reminding me of her.”

These comments brought a stunned silence to fall into the room. It was Jake that finally said something, his voice shaking slightly. “Oh, Nicolaj that… I know it doesn’t mean much but I am sorry… if it was around that time you must have been young.”

The midlaner nodded towards Jake at this, “She was fifteen… barley even had a chance to start her life and she took it… because she was told who she was becoming was wrong.” Nicolaj breathed deeply, wiping the tears that were dripping down his face. “I was terrified to tell you the truth… absolutely terrified that I had walked on that scene again…”

“You said…. You said something about losing love again… does that mean?”

“Of course, it does, it goes without saying you idiot.”

Peter smiled at this, sniffed back the tears and moved across the room to snuggle into a back hug with Nicolaj.

The rest of the night was spent in a peaceful yet surging silence that they all made promises in. They all grew in it, as they all felt that invisible barrier between knowing each other crumble around them.

**x-x-x**

“I just wanted to congratulate you properly, you know not through just words on the screen and such.”

“Thanks man, it really means a lot.”

“How’s the feeling, what is it actually like?”

“Surreal… like it didn’t even happen, kind of a weird floating thing, still adamant I got carried here and I’m just riding on my teammates success.”

“Ha, some things never change. You deserve, this more than anyone I know. We’re all behind you Peter.”

“Even if we lose?”

“Even if you get thrashed three to zero, we’re still behind and proud of you.”

“Thanks Søren, I’m slowly beginning to believe you.”

“Good, now, I won’t take up anymore of your time, say congrats to everyone else for me okay? Let Nicolaj know I’m coming for him this split.”

“Yeah, yeah thanks man – we should catch up when I get back, it’s been too long.”

“You are right it has been awhile, and don’t sound so uncertain. That sounds awesome though, keep your head up, Peter.”

The phone call ended with goodbyes and Peter breathed out a deep breath of relief. Søren always had a calming affect on him, his phone call had been a surprise but it was something he had enjoyed. 

_Just another person to let down…. No! No! We don’t think like that anymore…_

Peter shook his head, pressing a first to his forehead, the voice was still there in the back of his mind.

_I don’t… I don’t need to prove anything to you or anyone else, I don’t – not anymore._

The voice laughed at him and the cruelness echoing around him made him shiver. He couldn’t let the words stop him or get to him, he had to rise above that, he had to be strong.

_You’re not strong, you have never been strong._

No, he knew all to well that he wasn’t strong, but that did not matter anymore – now he had other people to be strong for him. Breathing out deeply, Peter ran out of the room and through into the lounge where his team was – he made a beeline straight for his support, clinging to Core tightly and pressing himself as close as possible.

“Peter? Hi… is everything okay?”

“I just…” Only a week ago, Peter would have lied, made up some kind of excuse. But now, now he wouldn’t lie to them, now they were family. “The voices…. I was on the phone, with Søren and talking to him was great and he has always been so…. Calming… But, when I stopped talking to him the voices came back, saying I was going to disappoint him and everyone else…”

“And you came here, because you didn’t want to listen to the voices?”

“I am not strong enough to deal with them alone, I know that now but… but with you all around. I feel safe, even in my weakness.”

“You will grow to be stronger than them in time Peter, I believe that.”

Peter just shook his head at this, not fully believing this yet. “Can I, can I just stay here, like this, until it stops?’

“Of course.” And in the end, Peter clung to him until the moon shone through the curtains, he fell asleep in the supports arms and the team worked together to make sure he got comfortably to bed. “He is still so doubtful…. This is going to take some time, isn’t it?”

“These things are never fixed over night but, he came when he was feeling like that…. He sought us out rather than hiding it, that is a step – that is strength.”

Core sighed at Jake’s comment but nodded in agreement, “I’m scared, about what tomorrow could bring. About what losing might do to him. What people will say….”

Little did they know Core’s fears were to be realized in away that will cause them all to come crashing down.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone, sorry about the wait on this, I've been a bit sick recently and I have a final assignment coming up so time is a little sparse, anyway, I hope you like this chapter - a little more drama to add to the mix.

_Gold by itself, leads little to desire  
But Gold shared between love and tears can change the world._

He felt like he had been snapped in two, a raw, unsettling feeling of being so fragile, that you shattered at the slightest touch. They had come so far, only to fall – crashing to the ground in a blaze of fire and smoke. They had come so far, only to fall apart, to crumble against pressure to crack and bleed.

He thought after all the victories, this year would be different, he thought he had made progress, worthy of the praise and strength of his team. But here he still was, in the same place, crumbled, nothing but dust, nothing but failure. Everything had gone wrong, so quickly everything had changed in an instant – the voices were so much louder and more than anything – they were now here on the outside, not just in his head.

The voices were now in the hallways, in the comments on his computer screen and the phone, from people who recognized him, from players from other regions, other teams. It hurt so much, because it wasn’t just him in the crossfire, but his team, his friends, he was dragging them down in the dust with him. They were a joke everyone and as much as he tried to block them all out, he couldn’t. He couldn’t help but listen to them and ti made him want to cry, to scream, too run away and hide.

“Come on, we don’t need to stand this – let’s go spend some time, just us alone.”

“Yeah, if I hear any more of this I might just snap.”

“An interesting as you decking someone would be, I think it is best that we get out of here, we can have a night back at the hotel.”

“Order room service, get drunk, sounds good to me.”

His team-mates, voice filtered through the noise of everything else around him – he barley heard them, barley noticed, as his arm was gently taken and he was lead through the hallways, everything was a blur of colour and sound, of hatred of brokenness, of complete defeat and destruction.

**x-x-x**

“Wait – Jake you’re bleeding!”

“Oh now, now he notices.” Jake chuckled slightly as Peter stared at him in shock and horror. Or more the split lip and the small cut over his eyes, that was seeping blood. “You know, you’d think you would have noticed when it happened, but oh well…”

“Wait, what… what happened?”

“Jake got into… a little fight with a very mouthy fan.”

“If you didn’t notice, then I’m glad – the words he said were fucking horrible words he was spewing.” Jake shook his head but then flinched as this motion seemed to aggravate the injury. “It’s best we forget all about it.”

“But… but…”

“It’s fine Peter, now what greasy, fatty food do you want to add to the room service order?”

Peter narrowed his eyes, rather unconvinced that his friend was okay, “You didn’t get in trouble, did you?”

“Not unless he wants to admit what both an asshole and a weakling he is, no.”

“Jake!”

“It’s fine, even if I do get in some kind of trouble, it’s fine, no one speaks about my friends like that… no one.” The glare that Jake gave him told Peter loud and clear to drop it, so he did, quietly stewing over everything as they gathered in their hotel lounge.

Their flight left tomorrow, some of them ever going their separate ways before heading back into scrims for the split. LCS, it was barely two weeks away and it terrified him, he hated that they had less time to stop thinking to stop fretting and just have time with his team, his friends. He wanted this night to last forever.

“Come on, share with the group.”

“Huh?”

Core grinned at Peter, “I can see the cogs turning in your head, you’re over thinking something.”

“I just, think it’s crappy how little time we have together, you know.”

“Yeah, I know what you mean, we’re going to be completely burned out – I wouldn’t be surprised if we lose a couple of easy matched in the first few weeks.”

“Well, win or lose, I’m hovering Ezeral in the TSM game.”

“Nicolaj!”

“What – I will only do it once, a little fun.” Nicolaj chuckled, his eyes glinting with a dangerous glee. “Anyway. It will good for the whole narrative.”

“Oh because you’re suddenly a fan of the LCS narrative?” Impact questioned with a knowing look in his eyes, causing Nicolaj to mutter something in Danish darkly under his breath.

“Hey, language,” Peter commented, a small smile on his face an Nicolaj rose an eyebrow at him, “What I spent a lot of time around Søren and Dennis, I picked up a few specific things.”

“True, Dennis swore like nothing else.”

There was a ripple of laughter at this that was broken by a racking cough from Jake, whose whole body shook at the motion. “Ugh, what a time to get sick.” He coughed again, bringing a hand up to his mouth to cover it up. “Maybe I should call it a night, I don’t want to spread this to anymore.”

Among their protest, Jake got to his feet, only walking a few steps before. Suddenly collapsing, groaning in pain and clutching his chest. “Ugh… fuck…”

“Jake!” 

The team rest forward, only to be stunned into shook at the sight of Jake, the small cut that had crossed his lips was seeping with blood and the skin around it was discoloured – a nasty looking dark green, that almost looked black.

“What the hell, what the fuck did that asshole do to you.”

“Nothing… it, it was just a few punches – ugh.” Jake coughed and blood mixed with dark black salvia escaped his mouth. “I… it wasn’t anything…”

“It looks like it an infection, maybe he was wearing a ring or watch that had something on it…”

“I’m… I’m sure it wasn’t on purpose…. No, ugh…. No need to fret.”

“Oh, ho…. Shut up about that – look at you, I’m fretting, deal with it….”

As Jake and Impact argued, Core stood on the phone to a Doctor, and Nicolaj kept his eyes on Peter. Peter who was staring at Jake in pain, in shock, in guilt. “Peter…. You better not be thinking what it looks like…”

_Now, look at this… you caused this you know, you dragged them – you hurt him!_

“I… no, no I’m sorry…” Peter shook his head, the words of his teammates barley audible as he began to stay back, to remove himself from the situation. “I’m sorry this wouldn’t have happened if, this is all my fault I’m sorry…”

He ran out of the room, ignoring the yells of his name, the part of him that believed and loved his team screamed at him to stop, the dark voice urged him on, down the stairs out into the street.

_It’s all your fault – push them away, push them out of your life or you’re going to ruin them… you’ll destroy them._

It was freezing outside and Peter felt the sting of rain on his skin. Then a hand on his shoulder, a voice encouraging him to stop, to wait.

_Push them away, they don’t love you, not really, no one does, you’re useless – you’re nothing but dirt…_

“Peter, listen to me – can you hear me – you need to come back, we need to talk.”

“No.” Peter pushed the hand away, a little too forcibly, under the cold and with the newly wet pavement, he slipped, falling back onto the ground and hissing in pain as he made contact.

_Oh look at that, you hurt someone else._

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean…”

“I’m fine Peter, it’s fine… just came back with me.” Getting to his feet hurt, he had a feeling his ankle had twisted, but he wasn’t going to show it to his friend. “Peter, please, you’re scaring me – just come back to where you belong.”

Peter just shook his head, the voice laughing at him, “I don’t belong anywhere.” He turned, running down the dark street, away from him, away from comfort.

Nicolaj could only watch as Peter disappeared into the rain.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone once again for sticking with me through this, we're getting quite close to the end and I'm super excited to share with everyone the final product of this idea. <3

_The Golden Light of life is all a lie  
Your heart and mine are tarnished Gold, hiding behind the shine_

“So, he’s going to be alright yeah? That, that seems weird…”

“What happened may have looked scary but I assure you thing are okay.”

“But… but that black blood?”

“That was just his body naturally reacting to the infection, it is an immediate reaction to the foreign substance, because the initial contact was the mouth, it was making sure reflex reaction…” They paused, looking thoughtful, “I will have to do some blood work to make sure it was nothing that was done on purpose, or that he was allergic too, but my first initial look is that it seems that is not the case.”

“So… you’re saying he’s just going to feel really sick…”

“Hmm, that could be a good way of saying it, he also probably won’t want to eat due to the taste in his mouth, that is okay – but he would still need to have fluids, so make sure of that. It may also happen again, which is normal. You also are certainly missing your flight tomorrow.”

“When will we be able to leave?”

“I would give it three days at least, in fact I will even come back, just to make sure you are okay.”

“Thank you very much Doctor, you really have put our minds at ease.”

“Of course, now just keep an eye on him, and I will come back to okay you leaving in three days.”

They set up the return visit with the Doctor and showed her out, before returning to the small room together to continue the vigil of sitting beside their sleeping team-mate. They had been relived about Jake, but in the back of their minds there was still worry, Nicolaj and Peter had still not returned, and the rain was becoming torrential.

**x-x-x**

There was no chance that he would have been able to catch up to Peter. Just walking hurt, even taking a few steps caused him to want to cry, running was not an option. Going after Peter as much as he wanted to, was not an option. With a heavy sigh, Nicolaj turned his back on the direction he knew Peter was in, bracing himself against the pain as he headed back to the hotel.

He hated that he was leaving Peter alone like this, maybe one of the others could go out searching. Nicolaj ignored the looks he was getting from those in the hotel lobby, knowing that he probably looked a rite sight as he hobbled over the elevator. He found himself lost in thought as he rode the elevator up to their room was only a few steps.

However, his legs gave way under him, causing him to topple over, yelling out in shock as he did so. Nicolaj found himself on the floor in a heap outside of their room door – which opened barley seconds after his yell.

“Nicolaj? What in the world, are you okay?”

“Don’t, don’t mind me… I’m okay – I am not the one we should be worrying about. Someone, someone needs to…” He took the offered hand, stumbling into his team mates as he added. “I couldn’t… I couldn’t stop him from leaving, I just had to watch, watch as Peter left…”

**x-x-x**

The rain stung as it falls down onto him, soaking his clothes and causing the coldness to stick and seep into his skin. He almost felt like he was fragile glass, like anything he touched would cause him to shatter. He didn’t even know where he was but it was away from people he cared about, where he couldn’t hurt people and that was the most important thing.

The voice in his head still screamed at him, it jibed and laughed and told him how much he had hurt everyone. It continued to laugh at him as he sunk to his knees, curling himself up into himself and the letting the coldness seep into him ever more. He leaned back against a stone wall and pulled his knees up to his chest, resting his head on them as he closed his eyes. 

No one would care, right? If he just sat there and let the coldness over-take his body if he just stayed here forever, where he couldn’t anymore. Where he couldn’t hurt his team, his friends. “The, the team… they, they would care – wouldn’t they?”

_You hurt them, why would they care – Jake is sick because of you._

“No, no Jake go into that fight because he cares about me, because he didn’t want people saying those things about me, things like that you are saying…”

_Oh, and what about Dear Jensen, it looked like he was injured…_

“That was an accident…”

_An accident you caused…_

“He, he was out in the rain, reaching out because… because he was worried about me.” Peter opened his eyes at this, blinking through the rain. “He… he’s, probably worried about me now…. I promised I wouldn’t worry him again. I told him I would let them be my strength.”

_You’re not looking strong now. How pitiful to rely on others, if they say you now, they wouldn’t want to give you their strength._

“Don’t… don’t call the strength of my family pitiful.” Peter shook his head, placing a hand over his heart as he stretched out slightly no longer in a hunched position. “They keep me sane… they keep me alive… alive.”

_You don’t deserve to be alive._

“No!” Peter slammed his hands down onto the ground at this, water splashing out all around him, “You are wrong! I do… I do deserve it, I may make mistakes sometimes and I may feel down sometimes, or useless… but that doesn’t mean I don’t deserve to live.”

_You’re a disappointment, failure, nothing, you’re a waste of space and…_

“SHUT UP!” Peter’s voice echoed around the rain filled sky, talking up the dark space that wasn’t there. His breath came in deep gasps, the words ringing in his head, determination crackled through him. The voice fell silent, no more mocking, no more laughing, no longer did it tell him who to be and what he deserved to be.

“I do… I do deserve to be alive, and I do deserve my friends and, and they will be worried about me. They will be worried about me…” The idea suddenly fell into place for Peter and the shock of it all made him suddenly, sit up, jumping to his feet – having to take hold of the wall beside him.

He had no idea where he was or how he had got here, let alone how to get back. But he had to, he was determined he was fall of a sudden burst of energy. All he could do was start walking and hope, somehow, something, will guide him on his way back to those who cared about him. The rain continued to fall and his body felt more and more cold and heavy. But he wouldn’t give up, he wouldn’t sit down and let himself die. He had made a promise, Peter intended to keep it no matter what.

**x-x-x**

“We can’t just be sitting around here, I’m not the one you need to worry about. You have to go out and find him!”

“Nicolaj calm down, going out there in there in his down pour, in the light is not going to help anymore.”

“But what if he does something, what if someone say’s something to him and it triggers his voice… we can’t just leave him!”

“We need to have faith that Peter is strong…” Core shook his head, “He promised that he wouldn’t do anything like that – Peter doesn’t break promises.”

“I know, I know it’s just… I wish I had stopped him… I should have gone after him….”

“On that, it’s not going to happen.” Impact glared at his friend, “As much as I hate it, we need to wait for light – first thing tomorrow morning we’ll get everyone we can looking for him…”

Nicolaj sighed heavily at this shifting his position on the couch and crinkling his face up as the movement caused a sharp pain to shoot through him. “It’s going to be a long night… that’s for sure.”

“Rest up, if you can…. I… I’m going to go make sure Jake is doing okay.”

Nicolaj watched him go with sad eyes before returning his gaze over to Core, “Gosh, we really are a right mess, aren’t we?”

The support just sighed, wishing that there was no truth to those words. But if he was honest, this whole tournament they were all pretty much messes. “We will get through this; we just have to.”


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who is still reading and commenting on this it all means so much. I managed to find some time in-between writing assignments to get this update done, so here it comes :D

_Drawing near to the end, the shades of Gold  
In all their flaws are actually a beautiful sight to behold._

Jake woke in the small hours of the morning with a splitting headache and a foul taste in his mouth. Opening his eyes made the headache worse but he endured it an attempt to look around. On his bedside table he spotted what he had been searching for, a large pitcher of water and a glass. Jake rushed to fill a glass for himself, spilling water on the table as his hands shock slightly.

He muttered darkly under his breath before downing the whole glass, it didn’t help. Groaning in pain he collapsed back into the bed, the pain in his head increasing, he tried his best to ignore the taste in his mouth but it wouldn’t go away. After staying still for what seemed like hours, Jake gave up and made his way out of bed, wrapping himself up in the blanket as he made his way down to the lounge. He hoped for some kind of food that would help with the foul taste in his mouth.

“You look about as bas as I feel.” Was his throw-away comment to Nicolaj, the midlaner giving a small squeak of shock at Jake’s sudden appearance. Jake smirked slightly as Nicolaj placed a hand over his mouth, not wanting the high-pitch sound to wake up his sleeping team-mates.

“What are you doing up? You’re sick you should be resting.”

“Can’t sleep, not with this horrid taste.” Jake walked over to sit next to Nicolaj, a plate of assorted food in his hands. His eyes glanced over the midlaner. “So, it looks like you did something stupid.”

Nicolaj pouted at this. “Rude. It’s quite wet outside and I slipped.”

“Slipped doing what, exactly?”

“Chasing…. Chasing after Peter.” The teasing and humours tone of the conversation shifted, Nicolaj looked down at his lap, moving his hands together quickly. “I… I wasn’t fast or strong enough…. And now he is out there all by himself.”

Jake pursed his lips, “How long has is been?”

“About five hours, if… Jake, if he does something, if we can’t find him – I don’t think I could ever forgive myself.”

“You shouldn’t burden yourself with the blame.” Jake placed an arm around Nicolaj at this, smiling softly, “You weren’t going to get far on that injury and you have…. You have to believe in Peter. He promised, remember, and though Peter is a lot of things, he is not someone who breaks promises.”

“You’re right, I’m just, Mister worst case scenario over here.” He sighed, shifting slightly so he was more comfortable in the side hug with Jake. “What about you, how you feeling? Is the food helping?”

Jake hummed, “A little bit – the taste is gone while eating but the after taste is still there lingering…”

“Apart from that are you okay?”

“A head-ache, nothing more.”

“Good, you had us all kind of terrified for a moment there.”

“Did these two tire themselves out by looking after us?”

“Yeah, plus they want to leave as soon as possible, as light to go and look for Peter, I wish I could help with that…”

“Hey we will be important too, we get to wait here, in case he comes home.”

“Yeah,” Nicolaj brightened slightly at the thought of not being the only one to stay here. With Jake waiting up with him he wont go as stir crazy. “That, that will be really nice, if he comes back, that means he would have saved himself, that’s nice, that is a step.”

“You’re right, that would be nice.” Jake smiled as Nicolaj yawned, shifting slightly but cringing at the movement on his ankle. “Here, you need to rest too.” He helped Nicolaj position on the couch, making sure to keep his injured ankle elevated and secure. Jake took a seat next to him, in a large chair that Jake could easily find himself drifting off. “Is that better?”

“Yeah, this is great, thanks…” Nicolaj yawned again, closing his eyes. “You know, you should sleep to, if, if you can…” Nicolaj’s words trailed off and when Jake looked over the midlaner was in a light sleep. His face looked less worried than when he had first spoken to him.

“Sweet dreams,” He whispered, shuffling in the chair and closing his eyes himself, out here he had no trouble getting to sleep. He felt safe, happy, surrounded by his team.

**x-x-x**

The sound of his sneeze echoed around the elevator and he couldn’t help but roll his eyes. On top of everything he just had to go and get sick. He gratefully snuggled into the travel that the concerned receptionist had given him, trying his best to get rid of all the rains residue. His clothes still stuck to him but with the warmth of the hotel it wasn’t as biting as if initially has been.

The door barley made a sound as he opened it, the earliest rays of sunlight spilling into the room and illuminating the scene in front of him. A different kind of warmth, something that no amount of cold weather could take from him, filled him as he walked further into the room and surveyed the team.

Each member was sleeping around the room, Impact and Core shared a couch, twisted together with limbs and blankets. Nicolaj was on the other couch, while Jake was curled up in a chair. Peter stood staring at the scene for a moment, taking it all in, what struck him first was the fact that they were all okay.

Jake seemed fine and even though Nicolaj’s foot was up he slept with a smile. They were okay, and they were all here, waiting for him. Peter had a sudden urge to just join them, to huddle onto the other chair in the room and sleep peacefully. But a shiver flying down his spine reminded him of where he was and what was happening.

A shower was indeed first needed to remove the cold chill off his body. Peter tore his eyes away from the scene and headed to the bathroom, catching a glimpse in the mirror he saw how pale he was, how tired he looked. How sad his eyes were, like they had seen too much of life and wanted to never see again. 

He still had a long way to go, he had for now, silenced the voice in his head, he had regained some of his thinking. But Peter knew he wasn’t immediately fixed, he was still kind of broken, still kind of a shell of himself.

“You can do this, because you’re not alone, because they are here for you. Because they think you are strong.”

He briefly wondered how long it would take for him to be whole again, but Peter figured if that time was spent surrounded and cared for by his friends, it wouldn’t seem like no time at all.

**x-x-x**

“Okay, I am never, ever falling asleep on a couch with you again, blanket thief!”

Core just gasped in fake shock at this comment. “How dare? I’m being attacked right now, I had to share a couch because then Nicolaj could have had one for himself. “

Impact grumbled at this, folding his arms across his chest, “Fine, next time you bring your own blanket.”

“But I like taking yours, cause them I get you as a blanket too.” Core’s comment caused laughter to filter through the room, as the team readied themselves for the day.

“Okay, plan of action.” Jake had woken up in a good mood, the fowl taste in his mouth had gone. “You two go and scoured the streets, I don’t know how but we have to fine Peter and…”

“Uh, Jake…”

“What, please don’t interrupt me what I…”

“I know but you might want to notice this.”

Jake sighed, turning in the direction of Nicolaj’s voice, “Notice what… oh, well, oh….” His voice trailed off and he shared a glance with a grinning Nicolaj, “That uncomplicates things, doesn’t it?”

“Uh huh,” Nicolaj shifted forward, ignoring the pain it caused in his foot and touched the blanket around his sleeping teammate. Peter muttered something in his sleep but smiled and continued to snuggle into the chair.

“He came, he came back by himself… he thought through it…”

“That he did, Peter is very strong.”

“Yeah, you can say that again.”

A quiet happiness fell on the group as they all relaxed a little bit, moving so to be relaxed in the lounge, eyes fixed on the sleeping Peter. They were all together again and that is what mattered.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you very much for everyone who has been following this story, for all the views and comments I really appreciate it. I hope you like the last chapter. <3

_May you travel to places, where the Golden lights shine.  
Hold in your heart, that through all of our dangers, I’ll be by your side._

The calming, normal voices of a conversation was the first thing his brain registered as he rose from sleep. It was background noise; he could tell who was talking from the tone of the voices even though he couldn’t hear the words. He didn’t mind that however, the voices were happy, calm, it almost made him want to stay where he was forever, to freeze the moment.

The second thing his brain registered was the smell, roasted coffee had become a smell he could pin point miles off, mainly thanks to his teammates. Nicolaj, especially he had learned early on was a coffee fiend. The smell of freshly cooked food also surrounded him and he couldn’t help but sigh happily in his sleep, opening one eye to see if he could spot the source of the delicious smell.

His first view however, was the blanket that had been pulled up over him, the bright colours merging together with those in his far vision. He sighed again, pulling the blanket down slightly and shifting in the seat, the movement catching the attention of the team, Peter smiled, yawning as he stretched, “Good morning.”

“Right back at you, did you get enough rest? I’m sorry if we woke you.”

“No, I am good – feeling refreshed, feeling…. Really great actually.”

“Good, we are glad to hear that.”

The team began to make their way over to Peter, the ADC’s eyes were fully focused on his team and they fell onto Nicolaj, the slight limp that the midlaner walked with. Peter immediately opened his mouth to apologize but was cut off.

“Don’t you dare, no apologizing, no blaming.”

“I…”

“It was an accident, I know you never meant to do it, and it’s fine… just a little sprain, nothing a few days rest can’t fix.”

“Speaking of days, haven’t we, I mean haven’t we missed our flight?”

“We re-scheduled, it’s all okay, plus I wasn’t allowed to fly anyway, Doctor’s orders.”

Peter bit his lip, giving Jake his full attention, “But…. But you are okay, right?”

“I am perfectly fine, it’s just a precaution.”

“Good, that’s good….” 

They fell into a silence at this, at first it was a nice, calming silence, but as it went on, Peter found himself panicking his face become redder and redder with embarrassment. The silence had becoming suffering, he had to fill it.

“I am sorry… for running off like I did…. For worrying you, the voice, the voice kind of just took over. It made me run, made me want to disappear…”

“But you came back, so….”

“I told it to shut up, I told it to go away and it has, I mean it’s not fully gone, it might be back. But for now, for the moment I can think for myself, I can see things clearly. And what, what become clear was that I had people that liked med and that I wanted to be with them…”

Peter smiled at this, a genuine happy grin that continued to brighten. “I wanted to come home, I wanted to tell everyone that I had won a fight. I had conquered the screaming in my head.”

“We’re so happy and proud of you Peter, you did that yourself, you survived and had the strength.”

“That strength came from all of you, you know… it helps. It is something I can dram from….” Peter nodded his head, coming to a sudden realization. “I think I need it from over people too, for when you’re not around.”

“You do have a lot of people that care for you Peter, I am sure you will find a lot of people to be that strength for you.”

Peter nodded, “I know that now, thank you…!” His words were cut off by a violent sneeze, followed by three more as Peter groaned, sinking back into the chair. “ugh, perfect.”

“See, that is what you get for spending a night out in the pouring rain.”

“Yeah, yeah…” Peter sniffled, wrapping himself up in the blanket, “Are we doing anything today, or can I just stay here, like this?”

“You can stay, we’re on lock down...”

“Good, I like being, just being with you all.”

It was Core that nodded, moving the chair he was sitting on to be beside Peter. The AD hummed in happiness, the close proximity letting him to shift to the side, placing his head on his supports shoulder. “We like being together like this with you too, Peter.” 

It was perfect and of course, Peter knew that there was a very chance of the voices coming back, he knew that once again he could be hearing yelling, for it to crash through him. But for now, he would take the small victories. He would take these moments, these beautiful, golden moment with his team.

His strength, his friends, they will hold him up, he knew, through anything.

**x-x-x**

The nightmare came the night before their opening match. He was once again alone in a darkened room, crimson rivets running down his skin. He was all alone, all pain and all terror there was nothing in between. His scream for help faded off into the darkness, never to be heard, his attempt to throw away the glass came to nothing, it slid into his skin, red stains the only thing in his vision.

He cried out in pain as he opened his eyes and shot up in bed, gripping his wrists tightly, eyes darting about in the darkness.

Failure.

Thump.

Disappointment.

Thump.

Death.

Thump.

He didn’t realize he was crying until a hand was placed on his cheek, wiping away the tears.

“Peter? Honey are you okay?” Her grip on his shaking shoulders was strong, calming yet held an edge to worry of it as her fingers dug into his skin. “Is there anything I can do?”

Peter’s breathing had become erratic and he placed one of his shaking hands over hers, trying to draw strength from it. Although he had made a promise to tell those he cared about what had happened he hadn’t quite managed to do so yet. Maybe this was his subconscious telling him it was time to face the music.

“Peter?”

“The… the split starts tomorrow, I don’t know if I’m ready…:

She frowned slightly. “You’ve never had such a reaction to matches before… especially just a normal split match.”

Peter chuckled, “Not in front of you, no.”

After all, it wasn’t like they actually lived together, it wasn’t like they even lived in the same state. They barley saw each other when Peter thought about it properly. She just happened to be in town for the last few days, for opening weekend. Peter had a sneaking suspicion that she had planned her work around it.

“Bonnie? You…. you love me, right?”

The question sent warning bells ringing through her head, “Of course I do, don’t be silly.”

“Even, even if I wasn’t as strong as I sometimes pretend, I am, even if I was kind of broken?”

“I didn’t fall in love with this so-called pretend strength Peter, I fall in love with your real strength, your soul, your heart – your amazing mind. I didn’t fall in love with some front you put on for the fans and for all other people, I fell in love with you, weakness or not…”

“Even, even if I tried, even if there were voices that…” Peter closed his eyes, leaning into Bonnie’s touch, letting her wrap him up in her arms. He breathed out deeply, pushing back the sneering voice inside his head. “I… when I am at international tournaments, I can’t seem to stop hearing this voice, telling me how much I am hated and worthless and this year I tried, this year I was close too…”

Tears were spilling down his face at this, his voice cracking ahs he finally blurted out, “I was seconds away from trying to kill myself… but, but the team they stopped me and they actually cared and, and I just…” He pulled out of the hug, searching her face, her worry and her shock clear. “Can you still love someone who was weak enough to do that, that was going to leave you behind?”

There was a small pause at this before Bonnie nodded, “You are here Peter, you survived, you were strong. I love you and no demons, no voices, no bad dreams or brokenness could ever change that.”

Peter looked down at this, a small chuckle leaving him as he shook his head almost in disbelief. “They said you would say that.”

“And they were right, I am going to have to thank them for saving you when I wasn’t there.”

“And what about when they are not there… will you save me?”

She nodded, kissing him softly on the lips. “Always, you can count I me. I am not be the strongest in fighting physical battle for you, but my heart, my love, I will break through anything – no matter that gets thrown at us.”

And with those words, the visuals of the dream and the pain in his chest just melted away.

**x-x-x**

There was always going to be tough days, there was always going to be times when the loudest voice was the one in his head. Those days would be tough but not the end, not unconquerable. Through the weeks to come he would find others, ex-teammates, friends from the community, that would accept his darkness and shield him from it.

The mountain that he thought he had to climb alone now had a path and that path had people that cared about him, all along the way. His fears now had a voice and that voice was silenced by a kind word from a friend or a fierce hug from a loved one. 

Days would come when he would fall, but they will be there, to pick him back up, they will be there to love. He no longer hid in his pain, he embraced it, because it made him strong, they made him stronger. 

Peter would face anything, climb any mountain, go through any pain, because he knew he had a family that was right through, doing through it with him. And they would walk through this journey with him, to the very end.


End file.
